How Did You Know?

I knew several peers and adults through high school and college that folks speculated were gay, but no one that was openly gay. In fact, I was in graduate school—ironically, a United Methodist seminary—before I encountered my first openly gay and lesbian individuals.

What a difference that made. To see how “normal” they were and witness the freedom they experience from claiming their identity. But I wasn’t ready to think about my own identity, it just helped form me into an ally.

I was in my late 20’s and struggling with my identity. One night I picked up the phone to call a college friend. Rox lived in Chicago and had come out to me a few years prior so she seemed like the logical choice. She answered and we did the usual small talk...then she asked the question, “So, Brat, why did you really call?”

This was the moment, but my anxiety was high. I worked as a United Methodist Pastor where being a lesbian meant still living in the closet if I was going to keep my job. So I decided to go with the question approach.

“Rox, how did you know you were gay?” I’m not sure how long we talked that night, but I do know that most of the conversation was her asking questions and encouraging me to tell my story and accept myself.

Because of my vocational choice of the ministry and the church's policy related to LGBT people, I continued to live in the closet for several more years, peeking out through the crack in the door. I lived those years as an advocate encouraging young people and their families to provide an accepting and inclusive environment, where people could be themselves and feel welcomed. And as I encouraged that inclusiveness, I felt emptiness and aching inside of me. I wanted others to be open, as I was hiding and advocating from my pulpit in the closet. The duality was killing my spirit.

Since leaving the church and coming out in 2007, I have felt a great freedom. I am still not “out” at work, but I’m not hiding anymore. I decide who I share my story with and when. And I realize the importance of being open and out so others have that reference point. I know how important it was for me to have someone to talk with, and know that because they have experienced the struggle of coming out, they would be supportive of me and my journey. I hope that I have provided and continue to provide that for others.

Some people “know” from a young age, but for those of us who struggle with claiming our identity and sharing it, having someone to ask “how did you know” makes a world of difference.

Karen Bratton
President
Star City Pride